Hi Everyone!

Sorry I have been a bit quiet on the blog front…however I have been in the process of going self hosted so didn’t want to post anything new until that was all sorted out!

I am still fine tuning everything however you can find my blog here!

Thank you so much for all your support and for following my blogging journey!

Love Megs

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This blog is going to be longer than the usual ones and will be more of a story! Most people who know me well enough know I am very open about having two miscarriages before Amelia (if the subject comes up) yet I have really struggle to write about it on my blog. I think this is because I worry what people will think of me blogging about it. However it’s a subject I feel should be openly spoken about so I am going to share my story!

Its been nearly two years since my first miscarriage but I still remember the heartache of it as if it was yesterday. I found out I was pregnant in March 2016. Me and James decided we would tell close family and friends, due to having type one Diabetes I was worried about hypos etc when I was around them. I also told my Diabetes team, I remember one part of the conversation with them really clearly, that was the prewarning of miscarriages. I also remember shrugging it off at the time. When you find out your pregnant you really don’t think anything like that is going to happen to you!

Due to having type one diabetes, I got to see my little baby at 8 weeks (April 2016). The day of the scan I was so excited, this is probably the only scan I have ever just felt excited for! The scan went perfectly, I could see our little peanut on the screen and the flutters of a heartbeat. I can’t describe how happy I felt. Little did I know that happiness would soon fade.

It wasn’t until the next day the spotting started. At first I wasn’t concerned, I knew stories of woman who has bled on and off throughout pregnancy and everything had been okay. When I got to work I was still spotting and for some reason I felt different.

I got a phone appointment with my gp who repeated my feelings that spotting early in pregnancy was normal and due to the colouring of mine it was probably old blood. He asked me if I wanted him to book me an appointment with the early pregnancy unit but I said no clinging on to the fact it was probably nothing. Although deep down I was convinced something was wrong! He told me if things worsened over the weekend to go to A&E.

Unfortunately it wasn’t nothing and things got progressively worse over the weekend! The bleeding, intensity of the cramping and the pain were horrific, paracetamol wasn’t touching it. I also noticed my pregnancy symtoms weren’t as noticeable. So I decided to go to A&E, I was triaged by a lovely nurse who was worried I was having an ectopic pregnancy due to my symptoms so took me through to their assessment bay! James was asked to wait in reception area whilst I was in the assessment area but told they would get him soon. It was around an hour and a half before I saw him again, in that time I had blood taken, had been told numerous times I be given pain relief and that was it! (Please note this is not a dig at the NHS they were busy and doing the best they could). When I was finally reunited with James I got some pain relief and saw a doctor who explained my symptoms meant it was likely I was having a miscarriage although blood tests showed I was still pregnant. They had booked me an appointment at the early pregnancy unit for Tuesday (two days away).

The wait for my appointment to be seen was hell! Deep down I knew what was happening but I wanted to be wrong! I wanted the happy ending. My pain was getting worse and worse whilst I waited to be seen and I felt awful! I did the unthinkable and kept googling my symptoms. The word miscarriage kept popping up!

The day of my scan arrived, I had a driving test in the morning before my appointment at EPU. For some reason I decided to go ahead with the driving test. I failed it! I then convinced myself that this was an omen and that the rest of the day would be just as horrific.

Hours after failing my driving test I found myself sat in a scan room in the dark knowing the news the lady was going to give me. I explained the symptoms I had and described that the day before I had seen what I thought was my baby. I led on the bed, praying that I was wrong, watching the woman stare intently at the screen taking down notes. It was a little while before she said anything but I knew before she started speaking. The pain I felt in that instant was horrible. How could my baby have been fine a few days ago? The ladies I saw at the EPU were lovely and explained everything to me; that nature was still taking its course and it could take a little while longer.

I felt broken inside, like I had already failed at being a Mum. I walked out of the EPU in a fog of grief, anger and self loathing! Walking past people with newborns and pregnant ladies and feeling  instant jealousy, trying not to cry in public!

I took a couple of weeks off work as I didn’t want to face anyone. I spent those weeks crying a lot and I was so angry with everything. However the benefits of telling people early was I had a lot of support which you really need at that time. The only thing I did find is people seemed to overlook James a little bit! They focused on me when actually he was also been through the same heartbreak.

Going back to work was horrific. When I was pregnant I had to tell a couple of people I worked with due to not being able to see certain patients. Unfortunately whilst I was off one of my colleagues broke my trust. This resulted in me being congratulated on being pregnant by another colleague on my first day back – I then spent 15 minutes crying in the toilet! Then a few weeks later I was told by another that if I had just told them all then they could of help me instead I was just being aloof with them and coming across as aggressive and horrible (I discussed this comment with other senior colleagues who said I wasn’t). I ended up going back for a couple of weeks then going off again with a stomach bug which looking back on it I think was actually stress related. It really was such a tricky time for me and resulted in a lot of meetings with senior staff.

My second miscarriage was a lot less dramatic than the first. It was in November 2016. So early on that we hadn’t really told anyone. It started off exactly like the first with a tiny bit of spotting however the cramping kicked in a lot sooner. Unfortunately the doctors appointment I had made to tell my doctor I was pregnant ended up being about my miscarriage symptoms and once again I was given an appointment with the EPU.

This time blood was taken in the space of three days and my hormone levels decreased which is how they confirmed I was having another miscarriage.

My emotions were the same as the first however this time I was gripped with the fear that maybe I wouldn’t be able to have children. I also felt the sense of failure was heightened. We ended up having to tell close family and friends what had happened which I also found difficult, it wasn’t as easy as the first time when most of them had already known.

I also had family and friends around me that were pregnant at the time and although I was super happy for them I felt like the big green eyed monster when I was around them.

However it wasn’t long until I fell pregnant with Amelia and although we had a bit of a scare at the beginning of the pregnancy with my third trip in less than a year to EPU, I am now a mummy to a beautiful 5 month old! My pregnancy with Amelia wasn’t an easy one and I was constantly afraid that something was going to happen which prevented me from enjoying being pregnant (hence not blogging about it). It really is horrible that once you have had a miscarriage pregnancy becomes a constant worry, I tried so hard to enjoy being pregnant with Amelia but instead I just felt anxious the whole time!

The two miscarriages I had broke me and it took a while to rebuild myself. I truly believe if everyone felt it was acceptable to talk about miscarriages more openly then it would be easier to deal with emotions after having a miscarriage. However even when you talk about it with people you tend to get the same responses;

– At least you know you can get pregnant.

– At least they were early on in your pregnancy.

– Your time will come.

The list goes on. I hated everyone single one of them. I understand people are trying to turn a sad situation into a positive one. But it made me feel like I didn’t have the right to be upset! And yes maybe my miscarriages had been early on but as soon as you find out you have a little baby growing inside of you then your life changes (in my experience for the better) and you create these plans and they were taken away from me. They may have only been growing inside of me for 6 – 9 weeks but they were MY babies and always will be!

So if anyone mentions they have had a miscarriage to you then just be there for them. Allow them to be sad, be sad with them, support them and shower them with love because they will need it. Also don’t forget they’ve got a partner who is also grieving!

 

 

 

January and February so far have been filled with nasty bugs in our household! So today I woke up feeling rubbish after listening to Amelia coughing on and off during the night so thought while she slept I’d run myself a bath! This also felt like the perfect time to use the blue bath bomb that was kindly gifted to me by the lovely Nisha from Sabão.

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Anyone who knows me knows I love a bath. It my favourite way to relax, so to say I was excited about using these products was an understatement. Having sensitive skin at times I normally avoid using bath bombs however was intrigued to see whether this would trigger off my sensitive skin. I was praying it didn’t because all of Sabão’s products smelled amazing and I didn’t want to cut my bath short because of itchy skin.

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Luckily for me I managed to sink into my blue lagoon without any skin problems. So for anyone with sensitive skin I really recommend this bath bomb. It was one of the best baths I’ve had in a while.

The gorgeous smell of the Brazilians Rosewood and French Lavender combined with the colour of the water made me feel like I was in a luxury spa! I think next time I use a bath bomb from Sabão I will have to get James to give me a massage, this would be the cherry on the cake!

After a good hour in the bath (thank you Amelia for sleeping in), I came out of the bath feeling relaxed and carefree ready to face the day!

Nisha was also very lovely and popped in my goodie box some shea butter which I wanted to try out on the tops of my arms as I tend to get raised spots on them that can get very sore at times and look very red and angry. The butter was lovely, thick and smooth. If my arms could have sighed in relief and pleasure I am sure they would have done! They haven’t felt this smooth and silky in so long!

So to anyone who loves a bath and some me time. Have a look at the Sabão website. You won’t regret it. Nisha is lovely as well, very knowledgable and helpful!

I can’t wait to try out other products and will be ordering myself some more!

Thank you so much Nisha for making this mummy very happy!

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…Daddy squeeze me tighter! 

I read somewhere that today is world cuddle day but then when I looked it up it said it was the 6th or 21st January?!? Anyway I am still going to blog about it!

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I have always loved a good cuddle ever since I was little and I think Amelia is similar to me. She gives the best cuddles, if you pick her up she will always snuggle in, sometimes even put her arm around you. The other day she put her hand on my cheek and fell asleep instantly, this made my heart completely melt.

I’ve always found it amazing how important a cuddle can be. If your feeling upset nothing beats someone coming and giving you a hug and some nice kind words. If you’ve had an argument with someone then nothing solves it more (without needing words) than to wrap you arms around them. A cuddle is one of the the best forms of physical contact in my opinion.

When we have physical contact the ‘cuddle chemical’ or ‘love hormone’ Oxytocin is released. Like anything there is some negatives about oxytocin but we don’t need that negativity in our lifes this early on in the year!

After doing some research I have realised there are so many benefits to cuddling. Obviously cuddling isn’t for everyone as we are all individuals and I am sure some people hate them. However here are a few examples of the benefits;

  • Makes your heart happy – by reducing stress – which in turn lowers the risk of heart disease!
  • Helps with bonding – what is the first thing you do after giving birth? Skin to skin cuddles with your gorgeous baby. It also helps with bonding with other family and friends.
  • Helps you sleep – this is due to cuddling helping with anxiety which means you’ll find it easier to sleep – hopefully a nighttime cuddle will prevent the need to count sheep. (See below picture = evidence )
  • Helps with intimacy 😜

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After googling (because google has the answer to most things) I asked a few people why they liked cuddles. One of them was James who is the least cuddly person I know – see if you can spot his reply! Hahaha!

  • ‘They are warm’
  • ‘Well I cannot help but cuddle teddy all the time, I like cuddling him because I love him and I love our bond! Also I like cuddles to keep warm’  – Side note check out Tiana’s Blog 
  • ‘I like a cuddle because it can make you feel protected and loved, it brings a comfort to your heart and feel like you are the sole thought of that person. For the same reason I love to cuddle my children to give them all those feelings to make them know they are loved and that I want to hold them have them close to me. I also like to cuddle my children as it makes me feel amazing to know I’m their mum and they love and need my cuddles that I can give a sign of love that they can feel. Ooh I also like that there are different kinds of cuddles’
  • ‘It’s nice and reassuring’

Side note – please feel free to comment or message me below why you like cuddles or think they are a good thing, feel free to include a picture as well. If I get enough response I’d like to put them all on a post. 

So why do I like cuddles? I love that you can say a thousand words without speaking by giving someone a cuddle. That you can instantly create a bond with someone just by opening up your arms, and by opening up your arms you offer a bit of your heart with it. I love the intimacy of a cuddle and it’s warmth. That it can melt away problems and give you that time you need to regain strength. I love the contact it gives you with another person. To me a cuddle is love!!!

I want to end this blog with a promise for Amelia; I promise to smother you with cuddles and love. You may not always want them as you get older…but until then I will hold you super tightly. When you get older and it’s ‘not cool’ to hug your mum just remember I am always there with a hug whenever you need them. Your daddy is too! ❤️

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So the new year is nearly here and I was going to write a New Years resolution blog but who am I kidding, I can’t remember the last time I actually succeeded in completing a New Years Resolution.

Then I started thinking about what my main New Years Resolution would be and it probably would be to be happy with the way I look etc. This made me realise something. Why is it not okay to not be okay! It should be okay to sit and cry and be unhappy (as shown by Amelia in the picture below – side note I wish I looked that cute when I cried) Right that is a bit of a mouthful so let me explain.

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Nowadays all you see is people posting about how they’ve had a baby and they are super happy with the way they look etc. I wonder sometimes if it’s a front, if social media has made it wrong to be unhappy.

Maybe if we accepted and allowed ourselves to not be okay then it would be easier to achieve what we want and need to be okay.

This blog probably makes no sense, I apologise for that. I hope I am making some sort of point though.

Sometimes we are going to be upset with the way we look, something we’ve done, how we’ve acted – and that’s okay! That’s normal, we are allowed to not be okay. If someone asks if you are okay and your not then say so. Who cares if it makes them uncomfortable, sometimes that’s what you need. To be honest and say no actually I’m not!

At the moment I’m not happy with my diabetes control. It’s rubbish and it is my fault it’s rubbish. There is no denying that, I’ve taken my eye off the ball! But that’s okay. I will get there soon enough and until then I’m going to suck it up and deal with it. I won’t be ‘okay’ with my Diabetes until I’ve sorted my control out but that’s fine, I can deal with that!

I’m also not happy with the way I look currently. This is a long standing thing really, I know I shouldn’t be unhappy with the way I look but I’m not! I found the more I force myself to be happy with the way I look the more unhappy I feel because I tend to examine myself more and look for things to be happy about. Maybe it’s time for me to accept I will never be one of those people that love the way I look. I am bloody proud of my body though and for what it has achieved, with both having type one diabetes and being pregnant with Amelia. Especially with how big I got towards the end of my pregnancy.

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Life is tricky and hard work at times and we are not always going to be happy or picture perfect happy. But who cares because that’s the journey of life!

I hope everyone has a good New Years Eve and that 2018 brings you what you are wishing for!

Love Me, Amelia and Diabetes ❤️

 

 

 

It’s 2am *yawn* Amelia and James are both sound asleep and I am wide awake…thank you Diabetes/winter cold. So when you can’t sleep and are bored of Facebook, twitter and instagram then the only thing left to do is blog.

I have a tendency to wake up during the middle of the night a lot. Always have done and probably always will…when I do I always find myself overthinking things, since having Amelia I’ve found I overthink things a lot more.

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Tonight I worked out why; judgement.

It is so easy to judge others and having spent a lot of my life in hospital having my sugar levels looked and my life questioned I thought it was something I was used to.

Then I got pregnant and resembled a whale and had been prewarned by the hospital that my baby was growing big. When this was mentioned to most people (if they had asked) it was a common response for people to reply that diabetics have big babies. This made me want to burst into tears because I had done everything to control my sugar levels and keep them in range. Although I can happily say Amelia’s size apparently wasn’t anything to do with my Diabetes control. I also know people didn’t mean anything by associating Amelia’s size with my Diabetes but it made me feel guilty and like I had failed as a Mum already and Amelia wasn’t even born yet.

Before having Amelia me and James discussed how we would approached people offering advice and that although we really appreciate it, parenting to us is a learning curve and yes we will make mistakes (we are human after all) but it’s something we felt we want to chuck ourselves into.

What I didn’t realise is there is a difference between advice and opinions. Also that being a ‘first time mum’ would make me feel so small at times.

For example the other day I nipped to the shop with Amelia. It’s cold so I made sure she had hats and mittens on. Her mittens never stay on long so I wasn’t surprised when someone in the shop kindly pointed out to me she wasn’t wearing them.

Although I’m not sure kindly is the right word. Maybe informed is better, she informed me that MY child wasn’t wearing gloves (she was sound asleep in her car seat with layers of clothing on and a blanket over her minus the mittens I had put on her earlier – they were under the blanket), she then proceeded to touch my face with her cold hands and explain to me how cold it was outside and that Amelia should be wearing gloves. After this wonderful advice she asked if Amelia was my first child!

Thinking back on it I should of told her where to go, instead I felt guilty and ashamed. Most of all I felt judged and looked down upon. I felt like the question about being a first time Mum was actually an insult.

Why is it acceptable to make people feel this way though? Having a baby is difficult enough without people pointing out when they think you are doing something wrong. Anyone who knows Amelia will know she’s pretty chilled out and happy…so I must be doing something right.

As soon as you get pregnant it’s ‘do this’ ‘do that’ and ‘don’t do that’. And don’t even get me started on the breast feeding vs bottle feeding debate. It is an unnecessary debate because no matter what someone does it doesn’t change the fact they are an amazing mum/dad.

I think everyone can be judgemental and have opinions and there is nothing wrong with that in itself. I just feel maybe we should keep those judgements/opinions to ourselves at times. If people want advice they will ask for it. Instead of giving someone an opinion why not tell them how great they are doing instead.

Because one thing having diabetes has taught me is that life isn’t easy but every day you achieve something (no matter how small that achieve may be) and that in itself is amazing.

I am starting to ramble which is always a sign I should stop writing. Hopefully I haven’t  contradicted myself with this blog.

So if you take one thing away from reading this blog then I hope it’s this; you are AMAZING.

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Merry Christmas Love Amelia ❤️

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Anyone who has met my gorgeous 3 month old will immediately realise she likes her sleep. This isn’t me bragging either because at times it can be slightly boring and means baby classes are a waste of time cause she will happily sleep through them. She also really hates being woken up as you can tell from the picture below! (The delivery driver rung the door ten minutes after she had started her nap).

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I am also not complaining because who would complain at getting a good night sleep! Oh wait a minute…instead of a baby waking me up during the night I have the Diabetes to do that.

I’ve come to realise since having Amelia that I find the Diabetes more demanding then she is. And unfortunately with the Diabetes I can’t just hand it over to someone so I can have a ten minute break.

If you asked me I’d say it’s 100% my fault that my Diabetes is playing up. But if I take a step back and look at the bigger picture then I realise it’s not.

I’ve had a bit of a rubbish time with hormones since having Amelia and going back on contraception. Which included the first pill I tried making me vomit 6 hours after taking it. Poor James is working hard and long hours, and would have me in the middle of the night shouting for water. Amelia slept soundly through all of this 🙈 She is definitely our little sleeping beauty.

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I also am busier than I was before having Amelia. I don’t want to spend my hours testing my sugar levels and then keeping a dairy of what they are. Pre Amelia I was obsessive with checking my sugar levels. I could use 20 test strips a day. I’d get through at least 400 test strips a month which means I was testing 12 times a day so every 2 hours. Now I get distracted with just staring at my gorgeous girlie.

The big reason my sugar levels aren’t as tight is because even though the Diabetes is waking me up at night, I am actually getting more sleep than I’ve had in years. I use to at wake myself up testing my sugar levels at night.

My obsessiveness had its benefits though such as my last hba1c being the same as a persons without Diabetes and I am yet to have any sort of Diabetes complication. However I was permanently exhausted and running on fumes. Which is really not good in the long run.

But writing this has made me realise I need to get some sort of balance. How I’m going to do that I currently don’t know but tomorrow is a fresh day and I will take it from there.

So I have babbled enough and I’m going to head to bed! Night all and I hope you all get a good night sleep!  💕

N.B I wrote this on Sunday night and forgot to post it hence the ‘hope you all get a good night sleep’.