I’ve attempted this before (there is a blog somewhere on my site like this) but I didn’t manage to keep it going for as long as I wanted. I’m currently trying to get my bg under a more tight knit control and have actually felt this helpful today (I’ve already spotted a pattern with a previous day this week) but anyway here’s today’s picture diary. Ps I’m hoping to do at least a weeks worth of these and I’ve added some rambles.
04/11/15 – 9:00
This morning I’ve dragged myself out of bed at 9 (I’m on a 12 – 8pm shift today). I’ve got my whale pjs on (you can see in the picture) and I think they’ve made my morning bm perfect. Nothing beats whale love.

Waking up with 6.1 as my sugar level makes my day. I’ve been having trouble with my sugar levels the last couple of weeks so need to start cracking down on it cause it’s making me feel rubbish and ruining my mood and I think the lack of sleep is making me a crabby cow.

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4/11/15 – 11.52

I want a snack before work, I’m hungry and don’t feel like something healthy. What I sometimes struggle with is for a little snack (in this example a kit Kat bar), it takes me 15minutes to do all the checks to get ready to eat it.

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4/11/15 13:30

I kind of carb overloaded at lunch today to help me get through only having a 15 minute break after this one for ‘dinner’. Today lunch I actually created myself hence the sticky note with carb values on hahaha. I will happily say it was scrummy.

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4/11/15 17:00
I’m not feeling to bright. Don’t know if it’s just cause I’m tired or the fact my bm was 4.6. Who knows but here’s a picture of my 15 minute break ‘dinner’ yummy.

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04/11/15 20:42
I’m hungry so decided to treat myself to a cake however on checking bg they are sky high all of a sudden. However the cake wins this time.

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04/11/15 22:00
I just burst into tears sometimes I get to that point where I feel like I can’t do it anymore. I can’t do the sleepless nights or the feeling like shit on and off. I’ve check my bm and its gone down (yippee) but I still have active insulin and the amount I’ve got is too much so I’m worried will send me low. This means I’m going to have to wake myself up during the night. It now nearly half ten and I have to be up at 6.30. I will wake myself up at 11.30 then possibly two hours after that depending on my sugar levels. Sometimes I would really love a full nights sleep but in my head I spend a lot of time asleep if my sugar levels are erratic overnight it will definitely have an affect so even though I want to sleep keeping myself healthy is more important…it’s a cache 22 sort of moment.

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I probably won’t take photos overnight I will be too sleepy hahaha. I’m hoping I don’t just turn my alarm off in my sleep (I did that last night).

NIGHT GUYS

Today is my Dad’s birthday. So I decided to write a little something on my blog in his honour because he has helped me become the woman I am today. He is the first man I ever loved and I will always be his little girl.   

  
He was the one who mentioned to my mum that he didn’t think I was very well, the evening I was diagnosed with type one diabetes. He at times isn’t the most observant person but he was on that day. I remember seeing him cry for the first time that evening as well (although he probably won’t like the fact I’m broadcasted that). 
   

   

He has taught me right from wrong and like I said helped shaped me into the woman I am today. I can always count on him to say I look nice (even if mum thinks my clothes ate not appropriate, which I’m sure in the past she has probably been correct hahaha) but I know that if I go to him he gives in with certain things more easier than mum, for example when I was little I wanted hair like scary spice he was the one that took me to the hairdressers and let them put pipe cleaners in my hair to create the look even though mum told him not to. 

  
He is the man who has been there for me when I’ve been upset and happy and even though I am sure we argue like cat and dog sometimes and he annoys the hell out of me and I’m sure I annoy the hell out of him to he is one of the best men I know. I know if I want to have a little rant to someone he will listen (or pretend to listen) and give his advice.

I am so lucky to have him as my dad, I love him with all my heart.

Now I’m probably going to have to print this off so he sees it hahaha! But happy birthday dad! Love you xxx

  

The last few days I’ve been trying so hard to be positive about everything! Believe me it’s not easy when my BMS are bouncing between 9 – 21 and I’ve had a sickness bug and now am on antibiotics for teeth problems. I’m exhausted and struggling to find something positive in that. 

Yet I’m still trying and I’m hoping that if I get rid of the negativity I will have more room for positivity and then be more happier. All of which is a mindset and sometimes I think I let the negativity consume me which in turns makes it harder to live with something like Type One Diabetes. 

 

So how can I turn my diabetes into positive. Well this last few weeks me and my toilet have become really good friends because of the bug and the high bms. Gaining friends is always a plus 😉 It isn’t only the toilet that I have become friends with there is such a wonderful diabetes online community which I’ve mentioned before. I’ve met and become friends with some wonderful people from it and there is endless support from people who possibly equally know how close you become to a toilet when your sugar levels are high! I promise one day I will win an award for how much I can urinate hahaha.

  

Also when the time comes for me to have children at least I can survive on little sleep. My diabetes is like a child sometimes it’s doesn’t like me to sleep. It keeps me up, makes me check on it, makes sure I feed it and keep it hydrate otherwise it does not play ball with my sugar levels. 

  
Now then there is the big bags. I’m your girl if you ever cannot be bother to take your bag out when I’m go out with you because I carry a big enough bag for three people at least…oh wait actually no you won’t be able to fit your purse in my bag when we go out…I don’t have room after I’ve put in all my spare equipment. 

  
My all time favourite thing though has to be I now think I could class as a bionic woman. According to thefreedictionary; 

bi·on·ic (bī-ŏn′ĭk)

adj.

1. Of or relating to bionics.

2. Having anatomical structures or physiological processes that are replaced or enhanced by electronic or mechanical components

3. Having extraordinary strength, powers, or capabilities; superhuman.

So technically my pancreas is a machine. Therefore surely I am bionic! Hahaha! Obviously number 3 applies as well, in what way I cannot reveal or my secret will be out 😉 

But all joking aside, as well as deciding to be positive about my diabetes I have decided I need to also be more proactive in looking after myself. So I actually went to the gym the yesterday. I am now suffering but I really enjoyed it! I didn’t change my basal rate and my sugar levels weren’t to bad. I spiked afterwards but I have been everyday at that time of the day for last couple of days so I’m not sure if that was due to the gym or not! Either way I am going to go back which says something! 

  
I found the above quote on google images earlier and it is so true. My sugar levels may have been playing up today however I do not have ketones, I’m still alive and I’m also lucky to have the equipment I have to help control my diabetes; insulin, strips and my devices; pump, contour link 2.4 and a couple of CGM. Equipment and medication I am also fortunate not to have to pay for. I also have a team that I know when they get the email I sent them tonight will reply back and help me and much as they can with my sugar levels. So I am lucky and although I have my struggles I will never let my diabetes beat me or prevent me from living a normal life. 

I’m not really normal anyway, I’m sure if you took a step into my world it would be full of bubbles, otters, craziness and other weird and wonderful things. 

I think I’ve got to the point where I’ve started to ramble, I’m too tired to read over for typos but I still hope you enjoy reading my rambles! 

Much Love

Megs 🙂 

At the moment I feel sometimes I can’t get a grip on my diabetes, like I really would quite like to bury my head in the sand, but that wouldn’t achieve much. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately as I’ve had the urge to blog but then part of me (the bury head in the sand part) does not want to acknowledge the diabetes that much to write a full blog. I’m tired, fed up and it is stressing me out. So currently in all honesty the diabetes is winning and it’s been topped off with a sickness bug which clearly made everything that much better.  
Then as I’m sat here I’m wondering when did it all go wrong? What can I do to make it better? I’ve never had perfect results or perfect habits when it comes to diabetes and I admit that freely. But I don’t think they’ve been as up and down as they have recently. 
What I have come to realise is that everything was so much easier when I was younger. I was diagnosed when I was at secondary school, I was 13 at the time. I didn’t really have what I call ‘life stresses’ going on at that time of my life, diabetes stepped in and turned my life upside down. But still I wasn’t the paranoid, stressed girl with type one diabetes that I am now. So what change? When I think about it as I started getting older and the more ‘life stresses’ that came with it the worse it got. When I was 13 my biggest worry was what I was going to wear on non-school uniform day or whether so and so was my friend. Then school changed to college and I didn’t have the best time at college, and then the big decision of what your going to do at uni comes along, with the added side order of other personal things going on, then as soon as uni starts its one thing after another.
Somewhere along the lines I stopped being the carefree Meghan and turned into the Meghan that will wake up 2hrly to check bms overnight if needed then do a 07:30 – 15:30 shift etc. The Meghan who is worried that one day I will go to bed and not wake up. But damn I really miss not getting a full nights sleep! 
I also miss not being so stressed out. I hate that I feel having type one diabetes is like a weight on my shoulders. That the rationale behind waking myself up overnight is that if I’m high before bed and don’t check to see if bm has gone down (which if it hasn’t I will wake up anyway to go to the loo) then I’m damaging my body and might go into DKA or if I’ve over corrected then I might have a hypo and not wake up. 
So what am I getting at here. My point is I think I’ve started to let my life become one big ball of stress. I’ve stopped looking through the eyes of a 13 year old where yes life isn’t perfect but I held onto my dreams and enjoyed the world. 
Don’t get me wrong I’m not some miserable cow who hates everything and everyone and doesn’t know how to smile or be happy because I do. But I’m normally having some sort of inner turmoil whether it’s about what I have or haven’t done or should have done. Whether it’s about how I’m going to achieve something. 
So my challenge to myself is to live in the moment, enjoy life, come to terms with the fact that yes I will try my best with my diabetes but sometimes I can’t help the high bms or the low ones and I will have to keep smiling. 
I’m going to stop with the blogs about how hard it is to live with diabetes and change to trying to start a new positive life whilst having type one diabetes. This does not mean I won’t be brutally honest when I’m having a bad day because sometimes I think when people ask if your okay and you say fine when your not then your just holding emotions in which in my experience is not a good thing! But I will state the facts rather than moaning and letting the negativity take a hold of my life! 
So the style of this blog might change a little bit. I still want to raise awareness of having type one diabetes so I will continue with the blog but we will have to wait and see what happens. 

  
(I took this picture the other day after waking up at 5 with a bm of 20 odd! I sat outside and had a cuppa and it was an odd positive of waking up with a high bm it meant I took five minutes to appreciate my back garden and the early summer morning before facing the day) 

So I know I’ve been a bit quiet on the blog front for the last few months but hopefully one day I’ll be a bit better with it! I’m not making excuses but having just started my first qualified job and with other things going on I’ve been a bit rubbish with it all!

BUT this month is diabetes awareness month so I couldn’t resist a blog now!! I’m going to do a small one tonight and force myself to get into again more over the next few weeks.

So why is diabetes awareness important? Well I could list if loads of medical reasons and facts and figures but that’s what Google is for, so more to the point why is diabetes awareness important to me?

The most important reason is because it can prevent people that have diabetes slipping under the radar; not noticing the symptoms or putting them together and getting ill. It also helps with raising money for a CURE. It makes people aware of the symptoms of a hyper and hypo which could save someone with diabetes (who treats it with insulin) life.

On a purely selfish reason it helps to show how tedious it can be to live with an invisible chronic health condition. How each day is a struggle and what’s worse is physically I most likely look fine (maybe a little tired but fine), you can’t see that I’m battling with sugars that are out of range, that due to this I’m testing more often which means sleepless nights and sore fingers. That sometimes I get in bed check my sugars, get side tracked reading for ten minutes but even though I know my sugar levels were ten minutes ago I check again cause I’m absolutely terrified of going low during the night and not waking up. That it makes me feel less alone because there is an amazing and lovely D community out there who are my D family. That I pray by making people aware that people will be more understanding and not make judgemental comments in relation to my diabetes.

I could carry on, however I feel like I’m ranting and being miserable and I totally didn’t want to do that.

Type one diabetes has changed my life, I try as much as I can to control it and not let it control me, to live a fulfilling life and not let it hold me back. For the most part it doesn’t but there are days where you can’t win no matter what you do and those days feel me with panic because I worry about my organs, organs that take a hit every time my bm is high. Then I worry about not waking up when my bm is low. I live with that insane fear and have learnt to cope with it, but by letting people know how it affects me in both good ways (MY AMAZING D FAMILY) and bad ways (the fear) it gives people a greater understanding, helping with awareness, helping (hopefully) to raise money for a cure.

Diabetes is a silent killer in my eyes…it cause other short term and long term health complications such as heart diseases, renal failure, eye diseases, amputations, statistics from diabetes uk also suggest that 1 in 10 deaths in people in the age range of 20 – 79 can be attributed to diabetes.

By raising awareness we are FIGHTING BACK. We are helping to prevent type 2 diabetes, helping to improve care and support for people with diabetes (type 1, 2, gestational etc). We are increasing the chance of a CURE. Unfortunately insulin, medication, diet, fitness etc are not cures for diabetes they are treatment. But by working together and fighting back we increase the chance of find a cure.

Much love from a very tired Megs (ps i haven’t proof read cause I’m tired so i apologise if its a bit here and there and for any typos etc) xxx

15th June 2011

That date is where I am going to start my blog. Those closest to me will know what this date means but some may not. This blog isn’t about diabetes. No this blog is about my brother Tim and the worse day of my life so far!
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The 15th June 2011 is embedded as the worse day of my life so far. Yet it is a day that I can remember like it was yesterday. I remember moaning about not wanting to go to this fitness class my mum wanted me to go to with my brother Will and then saying I couldn’t do it because of need to revise for an exam I had the next day. I can remember the phone ringing and the fact it was mum who answered it and later passed it to my dad. I remember him calling the person on the phone a liar but most of all I remember the words; “Tim’s committed suicide!” being said at some point but I’m not sure who said it. I don’t even think I was meant to hear it. The phone call ended and mum and dad left telling us to phone Becki and get her to come round.

Then there was the waiting…waiting for mum and dad to come back, waiting to find out whether my brother was still alive. But that sentence pretty much confirmed my thoughts…if he was alive they would have said attempted not committed. I sat for hours with my sister Becki, her husband Tom and daughter eve and my brother will waiting for mum and dad to come back home.

It surprising how slow time goes when you are waiting for something. Unfortunately my worse fears were confirmed later that evening. My brother Tim aged 18 had taken his own life.

It’s just over three years since that day I had planned to write this blog on the day of his death this year, but this year it happened to fall on Father’s Day and I couldn’t bring myself to write it.

It is hard to describe the pain you feel when you lose someone you love especially unexpectedly! But what I find even harder is explaining the circumstance. Humans are naturally judgemental, I don’t think there is one person who hasn’t once judged someone; maybe for the way the look or act or even for their beliefs, so imagine telling someone that your brother took his own life.

Don’t get me wrong some people don’t react badly at all but in others you can see the flicker in there eyes feel them wanting to ask how and why and sometimes see that they think it’s the ‘cowardly’ way out.

We will never be sure what actually made him take his life but it seems to be the thought of starting adult life and the challenges it bring caused him to be anxious and fearful. I find it hard to think Tim felt like this and didn’t express this to me or anyone else in my family, he suffered in silence until he couldn’t bare it anymore.

Unfortunately the aftermath of a suicide for those left behind isn’t an easy journey.

Shock
At first it’s like you go numb and spend the days in shock. I had my first A level exam the day after Tim’s death and I remember sitting in the exam wanting to cry but feeling unbelievably numb.

I can’t tell you what happened the first few weeks after Tim’s death all I can say is that they went by in a blur.

What I can remember is how my family coped with it. The tears, the anger, the horrific sound of crying at night, people coming in and out of the house.

But because at first the shock is so fresh the grief doesn’t fully hit!

Stages Of Grief
The Kubler-Ross model (the five stages of grief) are said to be the stages that everyone experience after the death of someone close to them no matter what the circumstance.

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I can say that I went through all those stages and I could sit and talk in depth about them all and then about how I’m now at the end and have reached the acceptance part which I have!

But no matter how much you accept it, it still bloody hurts!!!

So no I’m not going to talk about all the stages and parts of my grief just one! The one I still struggle with and the one that even though I know is somewhat silly I might never get past

Guilt
When someone dies due to health you can blame it on that, when someone is murdered you can blame the killer and so on! But who do you blame when someone takes their own life?

Them for doing it maybe?

Their friends and family for not knowing?

Society for the pressure put on people?

The answer is NO to all of them you can’t blame anyone.

But I, more so for the two years after his death, suffered with so much guilt. To the point I would get a recurring nightmare about family and friends telling me I had done it and it was my fault.

I felt like I should have know that he wasn’t happy!

I should have been there for him more!

I should have spent more time with him!

I should have been able to stop him!

The list goes on but I might cry if I carry on! It took me some counselling and help from family, James and friends to realise it wasn’t my fault! Tim made a choice, he was 18 so technically an adult, the method he used showed he had thought it out and I hope now he is somewhere were he is happy.

I cling on to the fact that he didn’t want to be on this earth and that if someone had stopped him he could of tried it again! I cling on to the fact it wasn’t a cry for help due to the way he did it and the time he did it! I cling on to the fact wherever he now is I feel like he is happy and free without the pressure and ups and downs of life!

But every now and then (once in a blue moon) the dream will creep into my mind and I will have to convince myself I’m not to blame!

I am not writing this blog to make anyone pity me I am writing this blog to try and explain how it feels to be left behind when someone commits suicide! I can’t comment on how my dad feels or my mum or my siblings or anyone else, they may feel different to me!

But what I can say is that Tim was one of the most incredible people that I have ever had the privilege of knowing! He was clever (achieving As and A* in the exams he did before he died), he was genuine, funny, caring and hard working!

He wasn’t just a brother to me he was a friend! I remember when he use to come round after he had played playstation for a bit with Will he would come find me (I was usually on my computer in my room or reading) and we would chat about random things for a while!

I have so many amazing and lovely memories of someone who will always be with me no matter where I go and I will cherish them forever! He will live on in all of his family and we will never stop thinking about him and loving him. Rest in peace brother!!!

Today I’ve attempted to take a picture of every diabetes thing I did! I had a major fail around lunch time as phone battery died hahaha but to make up for it I will do it tomorrow as well so maybe some sneaky snaps whilst at clinic (of me no-one else without permission)

So here’s my photo diary

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So this was a high level. I’ve been struggling with them recently and have a feeling it could be linked with stress and the fact I’m not sleeping properly!

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So my pump needed changing so I took it out and decided to have a bath it’s my favourite thing to do when changing a pump site. I also couldn’t sleep so thought it might relax me!

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I will honestly admit this set change was one of the painful ones which doesn’t usually happen but sometimes you just get that stinging sensation and it brings tears to my eyes and I may of had a few tears!

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My BM was high due to taking my pump out for my bath! But it was worth it! I corrected then weighed my food and bloused for my meal! I record my correction separate to my meal which is why I give a correction bolus then do a meal bolus! Each to their own 😉

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Sometimes I hate going out as I’m limited to what I can’t drink if I’m watching my sugars; this is usually diet coke or water maybe squash! But there is not loads of drinks that are sugar free and unless they are in a bottle or the cafe etc has carb information sometimes it can be hard to carb count!

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I knew as soon as I had given the bolus that my app wasn’t playing ball and that I probably hadn’t given enough insulin but I was being lazy! Hahaha!

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Now this clearly shows I didn’t bolus enough! Oopsie! Naughty Meg!

I will post other readings from today and tomorrow on Friday! 🙂 but wanted to give a little day preview I might do it for more than two days maybe a week depending on how busy I am! I feel that only doing it for a day or few doesn’t give a big enough insight! So here is my first diabetes day diary 😉

Enjoy!

Hugs and kisses
Megs 😀