There are many reasons why I have named my blog The ring Of Diabetes today and it all started with my new Nashville obsession and the amazing song The Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash. Then I also realised how well diabetes links to the song! Also the logo for World Diabetes Day tends to be a circle (aka ring). So I’ve used quotes from the songs (some slightly changed) as sub headings. Anyway enjoy.
Diabetes is a burning thing
I have had type one diabetes since 2007, so for 7 years now. It the biggest blow life has given me. I vividly remember having a cannula jabbed into my hand as a lovely doctor explained to me what type one diabetes was. To this day I still remember how that doctor made me feel calm and reassured about the condition. Also I was luckily enough to have two lovely DSN (diabetes specialist nurses) when I was diagnosed (Jo and Jenny) and I will never forget how much they helped me through the first few months of my diagnosis, actually all the paediatric team at SGH (Southampton General Hospital) are all amazing and their support through the first few years of my diagnosis help me to cope with a scary and daunting condition.
I’ve met people who have the opinion that it is “Just Type One Diabetes” and I can’t explain how much it hurts when people say that. So for anyone who has that view please don’t say it. I may sometimes hate the fact I got given the blow of type one diabetes but it has it’s positives such as my lovely DOC friends and the fact it has made me stronger. What doesn’t kill you make you stronger hey. But the fact still is I can’t run from it, if I run from it I get burnt.
Sometimes I will do my sugar level before a meal and I feel perfectly fine and have tried hard on the diabetes front all day. Then the reading comes up and its high or low. That moment is like getting burnt. You know when you touch something that’s hot and the sting makes your eyes water and hand recoil. You did expect to burn yourself and that shock is sometimes more painful that the burn itself. And to top it all of sometimes that burn you get will start to appear worse later on.
And then you fall into this burning ring of diabetes….where you sometimes just feel like your going round and round in circles!
I went down, down, down and the flames went higher
When I have a bad diabetes day it is bad in all sense of the world. It isn’t just a oh silly me that numbers a bit high. It is a oh “insert naughty word*. Sometimes it is easily resolved and sometimes it isn’t. But no matter how quickly it is resolved the feeling is still there and I have then got to deal with the fact that if someone close to me is present during one of my highs I will have probably have been nasty to them. High make me really really really uncontrollably angry and in that moment I can say things that may hurt someone even if I don’t mean it, I start arguments about the silliest of things and once I’ve worked out I’m high it is too late to take it all back.
I also have to deal with my body’s reaction to it all; the dry mouth, headache, sleepiness, sickness and generally feeling rubbish and I can’t just sit there and go to myself I’ll just have a day of from life and snuggle up in bed because the world isn’t like that. Yes I avoid stuff like drinking etc when my sugars are playing up because most of the time I generally don’t feel like I want to enjoy myself.
And it burns, burns, burns the ring of diabetes, the ring of diabetes
But the worst thing of all sometimes my bad diabetes days have NOTHING to do with what my sugars are that day. Sometimes it is just to do with the fact that I don’t want diabetes any more. Yes I try to be positive about the condition most of the times but there are times when I’m sat doing my sugar level or sorting out my pump or even just reflecting on life and I think to myself; I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. It is so tiring. Unfortunately I don’t get the option to take a day away and this makes my bad days even harder cause I am constantly being reminded.
I don’t think my body would appreciate it if I went oh bugger this for a few hours; removed the pump and hid it with my diabetes kit out of sight and even if I attempted that my body would go “oh Meghan’s being naughty lets give her a high sugar level!” So then I would be peeing and hot and thirsty and you get the picture.
The taste of diabetes is sweet
But at least I can say throughout it all I have the support of my family, boyfriend, friends and my diabetes family (DOC). I can hold my head high and tell myself that everyday might not be perfect and I may breakdown every now and then and I may need to seek help from various people but at least I’m trying. I’m trying to deal, cope and fight my condition everyday. It is not easy and I may say my diabetes is fine when people ask but that’s my way of coping. If I say I’m fine then I must be? But recently I’ve realised sometimes I need to take a deep breath step back and say I’m not fine.
No matter what diabetes throws my way though, no matter how much it hurts or makes me cry I will fight it and I will always come out the winner even if it just for the fact that I’ve tried.
Thank you for reading my blog. I hope you enjoyed a lovely bit of Johnny Cash (who doesn’t). I hope everyone is having a lovely week so far. So enjoy.
Also look at how incredible my 21st Birthday Cake was;