At the moment I feel sometimes I can’t get a grip on my diabetes, like I really would quite like to bury my head in the sand, but that wouldn’t achieve much. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately as I’ve had the urge to blog but then part of me (the bury head in the sand part) does not want to acknowledge the diabetes that much to write a full blog. I’m tired, fed up and it is stressing me out. So currently in all honesty the diabetes is winning and it’s been topped off with a sickness bug which clearly made everything that much better.
Then as I’m sat here I’m wondering when did it all go wrong? What can I do to make it better? I’ve never had perfect results or perfect habits when it comes to diabetes and I admit that freely. But I don’t think they’ve been as up and down as they have recently.
What I have come to realise is that everything was so much easier when I was younger. I was diagnosed when I was at secondary school, I was 13 at the time. I didn’t really have what I call ‘life stresses’ going on at that time of my life, diabetes stepped in and turned my life upside down. But still I wasn’t the paranoid, stressed girl with type one diabetes that I am now. So what change? When I think about it as I started getting older and the more ‘life stresses’ that came with it the worse it got. When I was 13 my biggest worry was what I was going to wear on non-school uniform day or whether so and so was my friend. Then school changed to college and I didn’t have the best time at college, and then the big decision of what your going to do at uni comes along, with the added side order of other personal things going on, then as soon as uni starts its one thing after another.
Somewhere along the lines I stopped being the carefree Meghan and turned into the Meghan that will wake up 2hrly to check bms overnight if needed then do a 07:30 – 15:30 shift etc. The Meghan who is worried that one day I will go to bed and not wake up. But damn I really miss not getting a full nights sleep!
I also miss not being so stressed out. I hate that I feel having type one diabetes is like a weight on my shoulders. That the rationale behind waking myself up overnight is that if I’m high before bed and don’t check to see if bm has gone down (which if it hasn’t I will wake up anyway to go to the loo) then I’m damaging my body and might go into DKA or if I’ve over corrected then I might have a hypo and not wake up.
So what am I getting at here. My point is I think I’ve started to let my life become one big ball of stress. I’ve stopped looking through the eyes of a 13 year old where yes life isn’t perfect but I held onto my dreams and enjoyed the world.
Don’t get me wrong I’m not some miserable cow who hates everything and everyone and doesn’t know how to smile or be happy because I do. But I’m normally having some sort of inner turmoil whether it’s about what I have or haven’t done or should have done. Whether it’s about how I’m going to achieve something.
So my challenge to myself is to live in the moment, enjoy life, come to terms with the fact that yes I will try my best with my diabetes but sometimes I can’t help the high bms or the low ones and I will have to keep smiling.
I’m going to stop with the blogs about how hard it is to live with diabetes and change to trying to start a new positive life whilst having type one diabetes. This does not mean I won’t be brutally honest when I’m having a bad day because sometimes I think when people ask if your okay and you say fine when your not then your just holding emotions in which in my experience is not a good thing! But I will state the facts rather than moaning and letting the negativity take a hold of my life!
So the style of this blog might change a little bit. I still want to raise awareness of having type one diabetes so I will continue with the blog but we will have to wait and see what happens.
(I took this picture the other day after waking up at 5 with a bm of 20 odd! I sat outside and had a cuppa and it was an odd positive of waking up with a high bm it meant I took five minutes to appreciate my back garden and the early summer morning before facing the day)